I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
