I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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