She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
