remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
