i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
