i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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