fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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