we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
