It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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