Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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