Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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