My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
