He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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