My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
