Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
