Can i not drive my cunt home
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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