I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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