On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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