I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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