I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
