i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Randomize
