his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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