Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
