so explain again why im purple
no
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
