the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
