Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
