im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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