What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
