Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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