You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
