I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
