I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
