sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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