but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
