I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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