I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
