You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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