I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
