omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
