Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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