she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
