You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
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