I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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