I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
