I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
In America we eat man semen.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
