just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
