i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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