Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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