I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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