dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
