I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
